Cleofus Fasthand

Ronaldo and Samantha begat E. Honda, who with Jennifer begat Candi, who with…

Well, at some point Cleofus Fasthand was born into the world. A lover and illusionist, Cleofus mastered the art of skipping. He had the overhand backside skip, the gold nuggie, and the rondo roller all at his disposal. He was the best skipper since Saint Vitus, and he had the award showcase to prove it. Cleofus skipped his way up the sacred escalator to heaven after the Otis repair team had finished with the overhaul. There, he rightly took his place as Chancellor of Heavenly Communications. Because she no longer had the capacity to contemplate the silly problems of the overpopulated mess that was humanity, God installed Cleofus to handle and organize the maelstrom of prayers and cries for help.

Welcome! You are now a member of the Official Church of Saint Cleofus: Chancellor of Heavenly Communications and Master of the Lost Art of Skipping. In your packet, you will find a Polaroid photo of Saint Cleofus taken just before he skipped up the sacred escalator. Tape or paste this photo onto your refrigerator so you may pray to it daily. Regular donations of $13.75, based on a modest percentage of your income, will be offered up for server space and other organizing paraphernalia that will help assist Cleofus in this massive endeavor. The booklet titled Skipping Techniques is yours to learn from and master when you get out of your car and make your way to work, the grocery store, and Big John Ballz’s Q Shack. Your initial investment of $375.13 was sent to the office of Cleofus via vacuum tube delivery method.

Remember, every person you refer will earn you a golden earmark. These earmarks are attached to your prayer file. The more you have, the closest your file gets to being considered for answering. So get out there and skip as if your soul depends upon it, because it does. Your family and friends may thing you’re a complete jerk at first, but once you convince them with your mad skipping skills, they’ll realize that pissing into the wind earns you nothing more than odd stares and disgusted passersby.

DIY Religion